Ok, disclaimer: I love being a mom. I adore my son. He is, quite literally, the best thing to ever happen to me.
But with that being said...
Y'all, I am totally and completely overwhelmed.
For the past 19 months, I've been primarily a stay-at-home-mom. I did work for a period in office but majority of the time, I've been at home. I've been blessed to witness my son's first steps, first words, first foods. I've had a front row seat to each and every important milestone in his life and I've loved it. But I also miss life outside these walls.
I miss interacting with people my own age. I miss having a set of tasks to do that don't include laundry, a mop and a jumbo bag of dish pods. I miss office chit-chat, having coffee uninterrupted at my desk each morning. I miss lunch breaks. I mean honestly, I just miss breaks in general! I used to feel like I had a purpose outside of motherhood and now, I'm not so sure. And honestly? I feel incredibly guilty for admitting that.
Right now, Hudson seems to be going through his "terrible 2s" a little early. The past few weeks have been rough--constant screaming, clinginess, even throw-down-on-the-floor fits. It's been a struggle. Disciplining a 1-year-old is a tough code to crack! I've cried on the couch, I've escaped to the bathroom for a quick breather. I've called all my mama friends for advice. I've had a glass of wine on the patio alone at night just to try and collect myself and have a moment of me-time. And why, oh why, does that make me feel SO bad?!
Here's the thing: just because you're a mom doesn't mean you can't have a career, friends, a social life. Yes, you're always a mama but no, you don't have to completely lose yourself in the chaos. I knew when I signed on for motherhood that my life was about to drastically change. I knew that I was first and foremost a mom now--and I always will be. But, as I've said here before, that doesn't mean I don't deserve some time away. That doesn't mean that I can't crave a career just to feel like a functioning member of society again. Being a stay-at-home parent isn't for everyone and I'm starting to accept that I may be one of those people. I actually started putting in applications this week and I really wrestled with that decision. Part of me is sick at the thought of missing out on precious time with my child and trusting someone else to cater to his needs.
But mentally? It's time.
It's time for me to find myself again. It's time for me to take a deep breath and face my fears. It's time for me to trust the process and trust God.
I'm not sure what's in the cards for me. Returning to the workforce is a big deal, no matter what the circumstances may be. I know it'll be a hard transition but mamas, you have to know yourself. You have to take care of yourself. You have to listen to yourself. You can't expect to be a good, loving, present parent if you don't meet your own needs. Think of it this way: you can't drink from an empty well. Your child can't thrive if you're struggling to survive.
Love yourself and the rest will fall into place. Do what you need to do, mama. What's right for them may not be right for you. With a little bit of faith, you will flourish. You're the master of your own fate, the captain of your ship. The waters may be rough but it's time to steer, sister. Hold on tight. The destination will be worth the journey.
-Kaley :)
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