Hi, I’m from Texas.
This has been tough.
We aren’t made for these temperatures. No, literally, we don’t have the equipment or experience or the electrical capacity, apparently.
Amidst this insane unprecedented historic winter storm, (can we just be done with the major historic events now? Please?) Hud sprung a fever and a stomach bug last night.
As y’all know, my son was born with a genetic disorder that makes it harder for him to fight off illnesses than other children. It was scary but by the grace of God (and Zofran), we were able to avoid another ER trip. Seeing the condition of the roads right now, I’m thanking my lucky stars a little extra.
My husband has been working well over 24 hours straight at the nursing facility where he’s maintenance director, ensuring that the water and generator are functioning as smoothly as possible. Spoiler alert: it’s hard work. Another fun fact? It was his birthday yesterday. We barely saw each other.
Also, today is day 4 of being locked in our house (and me missing work) due to this storm. We’re stir crazy. Hudson has been awake since 8:30 this morning and it’s been NON STOP. Mamas, I know you feel me when I say that sometimes, nap time is my saving grace. I struggle at times with touch and over-stimulation. It sounds impossible being a mom, but y’all it’s the truth. There are times when I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want my sweet, precious 2-year-old climbing all over me and covering me in slobber, or his full body weight pressed up against my back at night. I know I’m his mama. I know that’s part of the job description. I am blessed and beyond lucky to have him but sister sometimes, that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment.
If I don’t get that little oasis of silence, and bit of rejuvenation, that nap time brings, I’m not always my best self. I’m not the best mama I can be. I need a break. I’m exhausted. I’ve spent majority of my day today feeling annoyed, tired, and cold. Add in a baby that’s physically clinging to me and refusing to sleep? As selfish and awful and difficult as it is for me to admit, by 4 o’clock, I was at my wit’s end. I wanted nothing more than to cuddle my sweet son...but then I wanted to be able to get up from that couch and have a cup of hot chocolate. Or turn off the kids show that’s been on repeat and catch up on This Is Us instead. Or swap the scattered toys for a bowl of ice cream I didn’t have to share.
I hate I feel this way. I carry so much guilt. Is this normal? He’s sick for goodness’ sake! How can I be so selfish?
I’ll tell ya how. I’m human. A human that’s been stuck in a cold house for days with fear, worries and anxiety inching themselves closer around her. One that cried real tears last night, wondering how we would get my son medical treatment if he needed it or what we do if the one open grocery store in town was out of Pedialyte.
I’m already worrying about the amount that will be on my next paycheck after missing so much work, and stressing about how well rested my husband will be when he finally makes it home.
I shouldn’t have guilt over feeling real emotions and the burden of real stress.
I shouldn’t feel like a bad mom for wanting 10 minutes to myself.
I shouldn’t beat myself up for having anxiety during a time of oh, idk, a national pandemic, civil unrest, unheard of weather conditions, and being home alone caring for a baby with special medical needs, I mean y’all, seriously, why wouldn’t I need a quick break?!
I may be a mama. But I’m also a human.
One who’s little energetic, fussy, overly tired toddler finally just fell asleep for the first time today.
If you need me, I’ll be watching Netflix. A grown-up show. One that doesn’t have endless singalongs and a lesson on the alphabet. And I’ll be doing it while sipping some hot chocolate...and I’ll do it guilt free, by golly. ❤️
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