As a mama, we often feel guilt.
Guilt over our finances or the time we spend getting upset over nothing. Guilt over having to let our children down or spending a night away from our little one to take a breather.
But the worst guilt I’ve felt so far?
That’s easy.
It’s the decision to return to work.
After having Hudson and receiving his unexpected diagnosis, I became a stay at home mom. I did return to work part time for a period of time but for the most part, I made sure to stay at home within easy reach of my little guy. I simply wasn’t ready to trust anyone else with my child. As much as I yearned to work again and find a purpose outside of the home, I really couldn’t imagine leaving Hud. Whoever we chose to watch him would have to be educated on his condition, know the signs of an emergency, and be prepared to give him his medication daily. It wasn’t a task I was going to take lightly and honestly, I was SO worried about finding someone who wouldn’t be overwhelmed! I could imagine that taking care of a child with a genetic disease (that wasn’t your own!) was not for everyone. If I’m being completely transparent—if he weren’t my own child, I don’t think I could do it. It’s a big responsibility and I dreaded the thought of someone being scared to care for my sweet son.
But after a lot of thought and prayer, I closed my eyes and I jumped. I decided to take a job at an amazing local real estate office as a social media/client care coordinator and found an equally amazing home daycare that I was able to train and trust with Huddy.
The transition back into the work force hasn’t been easy. As much as I love my new job, I think of Hudson...alot. Our daycare send me photos and updates throughout the day but I often find myself looking over at his pictures in my office or shooting Sarah a quick text just to make sure he’s behaving or see if she’s having any trouble with his meds. And although she goes above and beyond and is perfectly capable of caring for him, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t beat myself up with worry, wondering if spending time away from him is ok or acceptable. Is this what a good mom would do? Should he spend time away from me every day? Will he miss me? Or worse, will he forget me?
Listen ladies, daycare is an amazing thing. Sure, it’s not for everyone, and I totally respect that! But the socialization its providing Hudson is priceless. And he’s learning so much! Whereas when I was home with him, I had dishes and laundry and chores and errands to complete, Sarah is able to focus solely on the kids and teach them things like their colors—last night, Taylor, Hudson and I grabbed sushi and were BESIDE OURSELVES when our tiny 1-year-old started spouting off the colors red, yellow, and green. We had no idea he knew them and we both had a moment of complete awe and a whole lot of pride. Little ones’ brains are like sponges and it’s mind-blowing how quickly they pick up new skills and bust them out like it’s nothin’!
Not only is the socialization important for Hudson, but it’s great for mama, too. I’ve loved getting to have conversations with adults for a change! ;) Plus, the feeling of gaining new knowledge, having new tasks to complete and a whole new world to explore is something special. While this transition may be difficult, I know that in the end, having my own thing, something that brings more financial stability and structure to our family, is incredibly important. I’ve loved getting up early, making my morning coffee, and checking off my to-do list. That feeling of accomplishment is REAL and it’s fulfilling.
In my humble opinion, going back to work is totally a choice but for me, it’s totally paying off. I savor my time with him even more than I did before and that’s saying something! The new routine has been a positive improvement (although Huddy may tell you different...he can’t sleep in anymore!) and the relationships I’m beginning to foster at work are valued and important.
If you’re on the fence about returning to work, trust your gut and trust God. There’s nothing wrong If you wanna take that chance and a big ol’ leap of faith. If it’s the wrong move, you can always backtrack.
But if it’s right?
Sister, it’s time to fly.
Sister, it’s time to soar.
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