girl, he ain't it

When I was young, I was dumb.

I chased relationships that were never meant to be, signed my heart over to guys that didn't deserve a second glance, let alone a 300th chance. I longed for love so I lowered my standards. I craved acceptance so I would change myself to be what I thought he wanted, not who I truly was. Y’all, I found some winners, let me tell ya. I really don’t miss my teen years, (and a portion of my early 20s) let’s be honest. Somehow, I became a fixer, so dedicated to trying to change a guy, whether it was excusing his behavior or convincing myself that one day, he'd magically wake up and realize he's madly, deeply, passionately in love with me and that his months of indecision and blatant disregard for my feelings meant nothing. Surely, all along, it was me, right? [cue "It's Gonna Be Me" by Nsync.] I'd force myself to believe we were meant to be despite it all, like my life was some bad Lifetime made-for-TV movie. Sound familiar?

These weren't stepping stones to love. They were very obvious red flags.

Look, I know it works out for some people. Sure, it's possible that maybe you and the guy you're crying real tears to Coldplay songs over will work out in the end. Maybe he'll come to his senses. Maybe he's Mr. Right, just not Mr. Right Now. That's cool. But for most of us, if a guy tells you he has feelings for you but he isn't committing?; he's swearing you're the kind of girl to bring home to mama but he doesn't actually bring you home to mama?; he's spending time with you but not with consistence?; he's showing you affection but only on his terms?; he straight up says to you he's not ready for a relationship but you still drop everything to see him when he calls?

He. Ain't. It.

If he's worth your time, he will make time. The guy that God has crafted for you will never leave you hanging or wondering or second guessing because sis, you will already know how he feels about you because HE will already know how he feels about you. If he doesn't have an answer for you, it's because he doesn't have an answer for himself. He doesn't know what he wants and you sure as hell shouldn't wait around for it to become you. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy, he just may not be YOUR guy. Let God work.. In the meantime, move on. If your paths cross again, so be it. If they don't, trust in the plan that's already laid out for your life. Let love happen. Don't chase it. Don't force it. Don't try to convince a guy you're worthy. Because the right guy will see it. The right guy will pursue you, value you. He'll see you. He'll want get to know your heart, learn what makes you tick. He'll take you out. He'll show you off. He'll ask you to dinner, plan day dates. He'll want you all the time, not just when it's convenient, not just when he has no other options, not just when his plan A fell through.

Look, he'll want to make you his because he wants you in his life. He won't want to lose you. He won't want you to find someone else.

You will know, girl. You will know.

If he ain't ready for a title, HE AIN'T IT. If you're having to constantly text him first, HE AIN'T IT. If he wants to chill with you but wants to chill with her too, HE AIN'T IT. If he suddenly shows interest only after you've told him you're moving on, HE. AIN'T. IT.

You are a freaking catch, girl! Respect the amazing woman God has molded you to be. Hold yourself to the standard your heart deserves. The guy for you won't have to prove himself. If a dude wants to be with you, you'll know it. Period. Point blank. If he has to think about it, now's just not the time for you two, as much as that burns, as much as that hurts. Trust me, I know heartbreak. I know the sinking pit in your stomach, feeling like you might actually get sick when you see him or when his name pops up on your phone. But I've also known love. Real relationships. Ones that may not have worked out but were necessary journeys, beautiful times in my life, things I see as positive chapters in my story. And the one God has crafted specially for you? Yeah, he's not a boy, he's a man. He will cherish your heart. He will grow in faith with you. He will reflect your morals, push you to be better. He will uplift you. He will allow you to prosper. He will cause you JOY. Not pain, not tears, not indecision, not heartache. The man for you is more sure about you than he's been about anything in his life before. Let go and let God. He will usher him into your life just when you least expect it. His timing is always right, even when we don't want to believe it, even when we rebel against it.

Surround yourself with people (not just romantic relationships, but friends, too!) that help you to be your best you. Look at yourself in the mirror. Is this who you want to be? Is this how you want to feel? Is this guy someone your grandma would approve of? ;) Someone you could see raising your future children? Grilling with your dad in the backyard? Helping your mama out in the kitchen? Would you want your son to one day treat a woman the way he's treating you? Would you want to your son to BE like him?

If not, he ain't it.

Be patient, sister. Amazing things are just around the corner. Be strong, love yourself, kick ass, repeat.

And one day? You'll find a guy. He'll love you for you. He won't want to change a thing about you. He'll pursue your heart and set your soul on fire. He will amplify the qualities in you that are already so amazing, helping you become the best possible version of yourself that you can be. And girl, you'll know. Girl, he'll be it.

-Kaley