dorito dust

Okay, first things first, I have been so absent from this blog the past couple of weeks and I really, really hate that. I've been working overtime at the paper, juggling social activities with the family, my step-daughter had her junior prom last weekend (!!!) and we're in the middle of a backyard renovation that I, admittedly, haven't been super helpful with but it's still happening.

That being said, I found the time to post this so, whew, sigh of *slightly stressed* relief.

Anyways, guys, I have to admit something. As the title of this post implies...

My hands were covered in Dorito dust last night. 

I guess you could say I was caught orange-handed.

Anyone that knows me has probably noticed how obnoxiously consistent I've tried to be with my health grind since the beginning of the year. Like so many others, I made a promise to myself to improve my eating habits, find time to hit the gym and finally get my act together as part of my New Years resolution. Miraculously, I've actually stuck to it! At the risk of sounding like your stereotypical gym-douche, *cringe* I've lost 12 pounds since making the commitment, which equates to a total loss of 20 pounds since I hit my heaviest weight in late 2015. I've been able to stay at this consistent weight ever since I reached it and I'm honestly pretty dang proud. For the first time. Like, ever.

Ok, hold the eye rolls. I've said it before and I'll say it again--no, my number on the scale has never been high. However, I have never, in my life, been "fit." Lanky? Yes. In shape? No. In high school, while some people had major self-esteem issues because of the weight they were putting on, I had a major lack of self-confidence because of the weight I wasn't. I still long to have curves just as much as I did back then. Let's be real here, I think any teenage girl would rather look like a woman over a 10-year-old boy, but hey, genes are genes and you get dealt what you're dealt. FYI, I look about 16 now, so things are looking up! ;)

Never forget that what looks right for one person, doesn't necessarily work for the other. My "normal weight" on some would look downright sickly. As in, wheel-her-to-the-ER-and-force-feed-her-a-cheeseburger-while-you-do-it sick. On that same note, what looks healthy, attractive and normal on most would likely be considered "overweight" on someone as short and lanky as me. And I promise you, this isn't me trying to brag because chances are, I'd love to trade places with you. And when I sit on my husband's lap and my non-existent booty causes pained discomfort because of the sheer lack of cushion, I'm sure he would readily agree with me. 😉

Alright, so back to last night. I had mentally patted myself on the back just that afternoon. For breakfast, I had my usual multi-grain bars. For lunch? A strawberry-walnut salad. I actually went out to eat, at a sports bar, and GOT. A. SALAD. The fact that I can consciously turn down fried pickles, onion rings and a frosty mug of beer is still a big deal to me. Mind you, I did still drink but I chose a 100 calorie skinny margarita instead, so golf claps for me!

After spending the afternoon with my parents, I drove straight to my nephews' little league game. There, I ate a basket of chili cheese nachos. Alright, that's cool, I thought to myself. I did really good today and, well, with the exception of all those chicken wings and french fries that one night last week...and the McDonald's burger that same day... I've done really, really good on this "get healthy" thing as a whole. I'm allowed to do this. Right?

So, next comes dinner. I got home late from the game, ran to Walmart to pick up some necessities and immediately started folding laundry and cleaning up the house when I walked through the door. By the time I was done, it was 11 PM and I. Was. Exhausted. Not wanting to take the time to prepare anything to eat, I told myself I would just lay down and munch on some of my healthy snacks until I felt full.

Apparently, what my brain meant by that was Doritos and candy bars.

Y'all know that feeling you get when you realize what you're doing is definitely not what you're supposed to be doing but you really don't care because it just feels so right and/or delicious? Yeah...me neither...

No, seriously, as soon as I finished off the bag, instant guilt set in. I even woke up this morning feeling like everything I've been working so hard for was a total waste of time. I disappointed myself, (mind you, I had those other big cheat meals recently, too) and felt like I was totally losing my grasp on the dedication and commitment I've been priding myself on. Here I've been, helping to motivate others to improve their health, and I go home and eat a Snickers?  I could feel myself taking those steps backward and I know how it usually goes for me-- as soon as I start to give up, I throw my hands up and let it happen. I mean, I've had a pretty inconsistent few weeks, might as well just stop trying and indulge myself, right?

Not this time.

If you're struggling to stay on the path of your own fitness journey, remind yourself that a few minor setbacks ain't crap in the long-run. Don't let it get the best of you like it almost did me. In fact, I'd even say go for it. Have those cheat days. It's okay. Don't deny yourself those pleasures in life. Just don't let it become habit. Don't lose sight of your end game. Don't rob yourself of your health.

What it boils down to is this-- I'll always have a sweet tooth, I'll forever love anything fried and oh sweet jeebus, carbs are bae. I'll allow myself those beautiful, sinful, occasional cheat meals but I won't let it define me. I won't be deterred. I refuse to let my setbacks become my new normal. When you commit yourself to your health, it's truly a lifestyle change. Blah, blah, blah, I know, but it's not gonna come for free.  I'd rather re-dedicate myself, recognize I've gotten off track and dig a little deeper for that motivation than lose it altogether.

At the end of the day, I am still proud. 

This isn't easy. Honestly, it really sucks sometimes. I smell melted cheese and pepperoni and the thought of the stationary bike becomes laughable. Is it really that important to feel good in that new bikini by summer? Can't I just go one more year without caring? What's it gonna hurt? I'll just try again next year. I mean, I've been doing that for the past decade, right?

That's a hard, solid NO.

This is my year and my time. Cue the "Rocky" theme song. I may not own much, but my body? That's all mine. Every inch of it. Even the ones I wish weren't there.

So bring on the temptation. It'll be hard. I'll give in on occasion. I'll even do it with a smile on my face because in the end, I know I'm still in control.  I may crave ice cream but I crave good health even more.

Now, if you need me, I'll be shamelessly stalking Instagram fitness models in the meantime.

-Kaley